Head of School Commencement Address 2025

Families, Parents, Guests,

On behalf of the faculty, staff, and Board of Trustees of Pacific Ridge School, thank you for joining us for Commencement, 2025 – the 15th in our school’s short history.

During the summer of my 23rd year, I found myself with a heavy backpack, three days into a five-day wilderness trip in the Canadian Rockies.  It was the midpoint of the trip, the excitement was over, and the end was not in sight. I was tired, hungry, probably more than a little annoyed with my travel partner, and, in general, I was NOT in a good mood. So, during a break from the trail, I dropped my pack, walked out towards a lookout ledge, and gave myself a moment to pause.  As I scanned the landscape, I took in a glacier across the ravine, the green of the dense trees below, and a nearly 180-degree view of one tiny slice of the wondrous Columbia Icefield Parkway.  

And, as I sat on that ledge, I felt a surge of energy and a feeling of peace come over me at the exact same time.  

I remember looking out onto the gorgeous vastness, smiling, and uttering… “I feel so small,” and it felt great!  Somehow, the recognition of my own smallness, in relation to the vastness I was taking in on that ledge empowered me. I returned to my pack, the trail, and to conversation renewed – invigorated, focused, and much more joyful. From there, the rest of that backpacking trip felt relatively easy - and full of wonder and energy.  

Fast-forward about six weeks later. I had just moved to New York City, and I was trying to find an apartment, and, yes, this was before the internet and before cell phones. I don’t really remember how I set up the 10-15 different apartment viewings I scheduled over a two-day period. But I do remember that the entire process was very hard and seemed to require using a rental realtor - because they had exclusive access to apartments one might want to rent. And, get this, I think I used a payphone to set up those appointments. Remember those?  

Somewhere around apartment eight or nine, the realtor with whom I was working had me stick my head out a living room window on the eighth floor of an apartment on 100th and Broadway. Once I poked my head out there, she suggested that I really lean out there - get “half my body out the window.”  Curious, I did. And, while I careened myself out that eighth floor window, she said to me, “look to the left!” I did, and then she said… “See, it has a park and river view!” I almost fell fully out the window laughing right there.

The truth is, the apartment was horrible, and I found myself at a low moment. I was tired, hungry, and annoyed. So, I decided to take a little walk as a break - this time to Riverside Park (the park I could see when I tilted myself precariously out of the window). But, before I got there, I paused for a moment and looked up West End Avenue. The view stopped me in my tracks, truly floored me. The street looked as if it went forever, apartment building after apartment building, up and down the street. So many people. So many buildings. So many apartments. So many lives.  

Again, I felt the surge I did not know I needed. Again, I found myself noticing just how insignificant I am in this world. Again, I felt small against it all. And, the recognition of my diminished self again gave me a sense of peace and energy. 

Somehow, allowing my own little world to feel exactly as it was - “my own, little world” revitalized me.
After my break, I continued with the mind-numbing process of looking for an apartment as a 23-year old in New York City without a cell phone or the internet - but this time with new resolve. And, sometime later that afternoon, somewhere around apartment #12 or 13, I found the place I would happily call home for the next two years.

But, no, my eventual apartment did NOT have a river view.

So, what did these two moments signify for me? Well, I feel incredibly lucky that they happened. I mean, during the summer of my 23rd year, I was given a gift.  A gift that I have tried hard to keep ever since. And that gift was a signal that my place in the world matters - but only as a small piece in a larger system.  

Over the past three decades, that series of moments has reminded me to do two things: remember that I am the central character of ONLY my own story, and to throw myself into everything I do with enthusiasm and focus. Why? Because when I combine focus and energy with a shift away from the drama of my own life, well… that’s when I can “do hard things.” 

Since the summer of my 23rd year, I have found that de-emphasizing my own significance and applying big energy and effort has been a recipe for the life I enjoy the most.

What does it mean to “de-emphasize my own significance?” For me, it starts with recognizing that I am much more effective, dynamic, and happy when I feel, palpably, that I have a role within a larger context. My job within whatever team, organization, community, or group of people is to fill a role that makes a collective impact.  

And, as it turns out, this year, three decades later, I came across researchers who have been thinking about the relationship between the diminished focus on self and an increased sense of purpose. These authors emphasize the way in which bringing energy and effort to a role within a larger context enhances that sense of purpose, insights that were not surprising me.  But, what I was not expecting was a focus on humility.   

In his 2016 book, Ego is the Enemy, Ryan Holiday argues that, particularly in a social media-fueled world, fighting ego is harder than ever - but even more important. He writes… 

“Arrogance can sometimes make you feel like you are the center of the universe, but when you realize how connected everything is and how small and insignificant you are, you can truly develop your humility - and, in doing so, perhaps paradoxically, you become a fuller person.”

Holliday is making a really interesting point. Primarily, he is saying that being part of a larger whole is important for our sense of self, but he also emphasizes that focusing solely on ourselves, and our own individual needs, actually makes us less connected to the vastness around us. He argues that, paradoxically, when we embrace a smaller role in a larger system, we become fuller, more complete people.  

Here’s another example.  

In his 2022 book, Humbitious - The Power of Low Ego, High-Drive Leadership, Amer Kaissi makes the argument that the combination of humility and ambition is a powerful force for community building, team building, and achieving group goals. He cites a number of examples. Here is one, The Marshmallow Challenge.

You may have heard about it - or you maybe you think it is the “other” marshmallow challenge. In THIS challenge, a group of kindergartners, CEO’s, lawyers, and MBA students are given the same task - use a simple set of materials and build the tallest marshmallow tower you can - as a group. If you know this challenge, and, even if you don’t, I bet you can imagine who built the tallest tower.  

Well, the kindergartners, of course!  

Kaissi was interested in who built the tallest tower, but he was equally interested in who built the shortest one. Can you guess? Nope, not the CEOs or the lawyers. It was the MBA students who repeatedly performed the worst on this experiment. Why? According to Kaissi, there are a bunch of reasons, but one of the most relevant to his argument was that the MBA’s spent so much time trying to determine who is in charge and who would get the credit that they did not spend much time working. The Kindergartners? They didn’t care about that. They all just started building and failing and building and failing, together, until they got a design that worked as best they could. And, the Kindergartners designs routinely outstripped that of the CEOs, the lawyers, and, of course, the MBA students.

Humility. Drive. Not worrying about who is in charge or who will get the credit. Being part of a team. Being part of something larger and bigger than yourself. These are concepts that both Ryan Holliday and Amer Kaissi ask us to embrace

Why am I so interested in this idea of group before self, or purpose before ego, or being part of something greater than yourself? Easy.  

Focusing on self is incredibly important, but focusing ONLY on self is incredibly limiting.  

There is only so far you can go by yourself, there is only so much satisfaction you can reap from success in isolation, there is only so much support you can give to yourself.  

But, when you recognize your role within a larger system, you become connected to other people, to meaningful institutions, to transformative ideas, and your “self,” by virtue of this interconnectedness, inhabits a much larger universe. 

My message is simple: being part of something, filling a smaller role within a larger whole actually makes us bigger, more complete than doing something on our own.

And that takes me to you, the Class of 2025. You are entering a period when you are going to be asked - a lot - to think about “What do you want to be?” or “What do you want to do?”  When you are asked those questions, I hope you will reframe the question and ask, and answer, this question instead.

What do you want to be part of?  

Maybe you want to be part of a group that laughs and supports one another, be part of a community that raises each other up, or be part of a friendship group that sticks together. Maybe you want to be part of the effort to cure cancer, reverse climate change, or make AI sustainable. Maybe you want to be part of the success of others. Maybe you want to be part of raising good human beings. Or, maybe you want to be part of a group that designs and builds something amazing –perhaps the tallest marshmallow tower.  

Whatever you want to be part of… embrace the role that is yours - own it, make it the best it possibly can be.  

But remember, there will be times when you get overwhelmed, when everything will feel too important, too heavy, too much on you. When those moments happen, look for ways to recenter yourself by re-locating yourself. Look up, look around, pet your dog, go for a walk, find something outside of yourself.  Laugh. Then, find a way to refocus on the fullness that comes from seeing you have a role to play, that your showing up helps the many people around you, makes you more connected, creates more beauty in your world.

Class of 2025, I hope you will head out into the world looking for ways to dim the spotlight on your own life and concentrate, instead, on what you want to be part of. Because being part of something great is amazing, and the most full we humans can get.

You may not have noticed, but Pacific Ridge School is a system full of many people filling roles all designed to bring you to this moment - the commencement into the next stage of your lives. Whether you have been with us for 2, 4, or 6 years, all of these people, and more, have been part of this moment for you.  

Class of 2025, as you depart, I leave you with my usual two requests - and a third for this year.

First, seize the unique opportunities that come with each stage of your lives. Seek out ways to extend your current interests, while always keeping your eyes open for new passions as well. By growing, changing, and evolving, every decade will challenge and delight you.
 
Second, every once in a while, ask yourself this question:
 
“Who, or what, has stayed with me throughout all of my life?”
 
If someone or something has stayed with you through all of the change in your life – then it matters.  It matters that someone who knew you when you were five still has importance to you when you are eighteen. It matters that some activities you loved in your youth still bring you peace or energy in adulthood. Wrap your arms around those people, those things, as much as you possibly can.

Finally, keep asking, “What do I want to be part of?”

Asking that question will keep you small enough to recognize the importance of your role within a larger system and have you looking for community. I also believe that question will bring you the energy and focus that you can only get from being surrounded by great people.

I hope that, for many of you, Pacific Ridge School will be a place that remains part of your life, as you will always be part of ours.  
 
Class of 2025 – you have taken all of the opportunities a Pacific Ridge high school experience has to offer.  It has been amazing to watch.  But, now, it is time for you to leave this place. It is time for you to leave the nest.  Indeed, it is time, and you are ready.  

 

Congratulations.